The weird and dumb, or, sliced worst on wry.
This edition: It's ABOUT TIME! ... No no nukes... Philip Morris, do-gooder company... Islam worries Catholics... Buchanan really does need to reform... Stiff Wilt... Aliens killed JonBenet... Your government hates gays, so you can too... Gambling does pay after all... Computers are a gas... Galileo still studies Jupiter after more than 400 years... Where do you want to crash today? ... Studies on primate brains continue because elected officials don't have enough neurons... Feathery missing link... Justice for all means exactly that, or it should anyway...
General Foolishness
Sadder, not Wiser
After five years and almost 50 million dollars have vanished into this man, Kenneth Starr is leaving. (Unfortunately, not the country or this life; just the Independent Counsel office.)

An investigation that began with trying to uncover fraud in land deals ended up with oral sex outside the oval office -- and cost the entire American political system any remaining creditbility it may have had.

What's next for Starr? Hopefully not Disneyland.

We Could Have, But Didn't, Ban the Bomb
The idiots in Washington, who claim to be working to enact our will, have decided to blow off the nuclear test ban treaty, in spite of the fact it is clear that a majority of US citizens -- 82 percent -- would like to see such a test ban go into effect.

Now when even top brass at the Pentagon is saying that we don't need to test nukes, that computer simulations actually provide us with more than adequate results, one has to wonder what, precisely, those fools in Congress are actually thinking.

Oh, wait, they're not. Sometimes this publisher forgets that.

Philip Morris and the Karma Police
Cancer provider Philip Morris is still trying to clean up its image, now with television ads, as well as a come-clean page on their web site.

I guess, like Exxon, they figure that public apologies and positive-tone advertisements make up for poisoning the planet we all have to share.

Of course they don't regret their actions enough to actually stop selling tobacco or anything.

Time For Crusade2K!
The Vatican is worried about the spread of Islam. Apparently they still buy into that Papal Infallibility dogma or something, along with, of course, the belief that they're the only right people in the universe. Yikes, they're as bad as the Mormons.

It's obvious they don't buy their own propwash. If Jesus Christ is due to return soon, Islam won't be an issue much longer anyway, so why worry? And of course it is obvious that the Pope is afraid to die. What's the matter, doesn't he want to go to heaven?

This brings a joke to mind. One afternoon the Pope gets a call from a priest in New York. "Your holiness," says the priest, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Jesus Christ has returned and is living now on Earth."

"But that is wonderful news!" says the Pope. "What could possibly be bad news after such a marvelous thing?"

"The bad news," the priest explains, "is he's in Salt Lake City."

Still Not Far Enough Away, Pat -- Try Mars
It looks like Pat Buchanan is out of the Reptili -- ah, Republican party, in favor of the Reform party, also effectively removing himself from the American political scene. Too bad; we'll miss his antics. Nazi Germany wasn't a threat? Ha-ha, Pat, you're one humorous little troll...

The Reform party, overall and to its credit, doesn't seem too thrilled about this, as Buchanan is even a bigger looney than Donald Trump or Ross Perot, and that's saying something.

Buchanan is as convincing an argument against longevity research as any this publisher can come up with -- imagine 200 years of him.
20,000? Impossible.
Wilt did just that, dying at age 63. This is the same Stilt who claimed to have had sexual relations with 20 thousand women, an impossible figure.

Do the math. Assuming he started at age 13, he would have had to average sex with 400 women each year right up to the year of his death. That's more than one woman a day. For fifty years.

Well, come to think of it, maybe that's what killed him...

You Must be F---ing Kidding
Looking For The Real Killers...
Unbelievably, no action is going to be taken in the JonBenet Ramsey case after 13 months of deliberation, neary three years after her detestable murder. Apparently a grand jury has decided there's not enough evidence to indict anyone.

Meanwhile the search for the real killers continues, since apparently the Ramseys have moved without leaving a forwarding address.

Actually this publisher believes there's plenty of evidence that someone did it -- generally when a child is beaten, strangled slowly and possibly raped there is, after all, a perpetrator -- it's largely a question of which of the three family members is chiefly responsible. Perhaps that very question is what stumped the grand jury too.

There is much more to be seen at The Denver Post and The Boulder News.

Let's just build a wall around the entire state of Colorado and nuke it. It's full of grotesque, over-rich sickos utterly perverted by their wealth and self-absorbtion.

Cult Killing? Or Complete Incompetence?
Some are claiming some very odd things about JonBenet's murder. One page alleges that it's all part of some kind of weird saucerian/satanist cult. This actually seems rational to the author of that page -- that's what's probably the most disturbing.

The prosecutor in the case admits that mistakes were made. Duh. Letting the killers walk free for three years was mistake number one.

Perhaps keeping this prosecutor around was mistake number two. He has a history of failing to punish murderers.

This timeline is a depressing chronicle of failure, especially in the face of the evidence. You can read about the killers here.

Meanwhile it's pretty obvious what happens when you torture and murder someone but don't happen to be wealthy -- you actually get punished for it.

Fire the Bastards
In the wake of news that the Repugnicans in Congress don't support protecting gays from vicious hate crimes, we learn that one of the killers of Matthew Shepard might use the defense that he was on alcohol, drugs or both when he took part in the wretched act.

Apparently there's belief this makes him less guilty somehow, as though being on drugs makes you nonresponsible for your actions. This is as bad as the Twinkie Defense used -- successfully -- in the killing of Harvey Milk.

If drugs are a viable defense, I'll spend the rest of my life high and do as I darn well please.
Wish I'd Thought of That First...
In something which certainly could never be seen as a frivilous lawsuit or a way to weasel out of one's responsibilities, Cynthia Haines, who racked up 70 thousand dollars in gambling debts on the Net using her credit cards, has managed to -- legally -- get this debt forgiven.

Her justification? Never mind that I'm a thief with severe problems dealing with personal responsibility -- it's illegal to gamble online. Or it should be, anyway.

Astoundingly, both Visa and MasterCard folded.

Before you see this as a victory for The Little Guy, please remember a couple things:

1. The Little Guy, in this case, was actually to blame and wriggled out of it; and

2. Holders of cards from those banks will now have to repay her debt in the form of higher interest rates.

You don't really think the card owners themselves are going to eat the cost, do you?

Hi, Tech!
Connect it to Pat Buchanan!
Those wacky Europeans have made a breakthrough in gas-powered computers. Can coal be far behind?
Galileo by Jove
The Galileo probe's taking a close look at Jupiter space, especially Europa, which may hold the basic building blocks for carbon-based life as we understand it.

These substances may take the form of a sort of stinking, sulfurous cold organic slime, not too dissimilar to Jesse Helms, but possessed of greater humanity.

If they don't find life at Europa, they might probe Jupiter itself, the biggest planet in this solar system and a gas giant, hoping to at least find some of those computers...

How to Look Busy Without Actually Doing Anything
In an effort to subvert yet another established platform by over-marketing inferior, shoddy products, bloated poorly-written software giant Microsoft has entered an agreement with British Telecom to begin producing handheld PDAs.

Oh good, another object with a user interface that makes you perform thirty different actions before you can actually start doing real work, then ceases to function almost immediately, sensing that dangerous levels of productivity have emerged.

One thing Microsoft is good for -- you are able to look extremely busy while using their products, without achieving anything at all.

With any luck these sure-to-be crappy PalmPilot clones will not include any dancing paperclip-based help systems.

Wasn't That a Dessert in an Indiana Jones Movie?
Apparently primate brains can be made to regenerate neurons. There's hope that this may point toward treatments for such human brain failures as Alzheimer's, senile dementia, and Republicanism.

I suppose PETA would rather see this kind of testing being done on human subjects, such as convicted criminals. That's all we need -- genius felons.

Of Course, Evolution's Still Just a Theory...
A fossil of a new type of flying dinosaur has been described, adding more evidence for evolution, including a complete line of descent from a large, hippo-like creature to the modern whales of today, which will be tossed out by creationists in favor of the six-days-to-Sunday myth that prefaces a book followed by only about one-fifth of the world's population to begin with, for which there is absolutely no hard evidence whatsoever, and taken seriously by only the dimmest minds the deep South can conjure up.
O Pine With Me
Murderers Get Away With... Well, Murder
It's getting ridiculous.

First we have a man clearly guilty of double homicide -- he was held legally responsible in civil court, remember -- getting off scott free, noodling about on golf courses, looking for the real killers.

Sometimes I think it's a wonder the man didn't kill the dog too.

And of course there's a woman out there (half his age) who's actually stupid enough to be dating him.

And she's white too.

But now we also have a spectacularly dark and perverted family who did some genuinely awful things with a six-year-old girl, and instead of the lynching they have coming the freaks are walking free in Georgia.

Imagine. Being taken into a basement, abused, beaten, and slowly strangled by a family member -- family, the ones you trust, the ones who are supposed to protect you from this, the ones you're supposed to feel safe with.

What did that poor child think as consciousness ebbed? That she must be a very bad little girl for her parents to punish her so?

Imagine that being your final mortal thought.

Still her killers walk free in society, behaving for all the world as though they are completely innocent, unlike their poor abused murdered little girl, who really was innocent.

What do the Ramseys and OJ have in common, apart from the fact that they are diseased members of this species who should be launched into the Sun before they're allowed to breed any more?

They're filthy, appallingly rich.

Money absolutely makes a difference here. For some reason being a vile toad unworthy of licking the belly of a cockroach is somehow made all right if you have seven figures or more stuffed under the mattress.

Is it that in the US we idolize wealth too much? Could be. Maybe we believe that if someone is truly, obscenely rich there can't be anything really wrong with them, that somehow they got all that money by being good people, that they deserve the assets they have because of clean living.

What's really perverse about it is that we continue to believe that, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Now mind you I am not saying there is necessarily anything inherently wrong with having lots of money. There are plenty of people out there -- the majority, in fact -- who've made quite a pile and who are quite decent, honest and good folks.

However you've got to remember, too, that having large amounts of money at your disposal can quickly separate you from the masses, to the point you no longer feel connected to the people around you.

And when that sense of connectedness becomes too abstract, too tenuous, you might cease to care what the rest of the world is like or is doing -- just wandering through life in your own solipsistic little universe of one. Doing as you please.

But then again, why not?

After all, it's obvious that if you get caught you can buy your way to freedom.

This has to cease.