The weird and dumb, or, sliced worst on wry.
This edition: Knock it off, it's an improvement... Monkeyshines... Beefeaters go home... Bulimic wrestlers... US owns up to non-IRS-based torture... The few, the proud, the asinine... Oh no, not again... Guns in school, three tickets for five dollars... There's a reason it's called a crash diet... Love for sale, sort of... Albright's all right... Crocs in Mexico and other vicious animals... Italian Nazis... Poor helpless North Korea...
General Foolishness
But Why?
The US is not thrilled that the Pakistani military has ousted an arguably filthy, corrupt and evil government. (The second most corrupt on Earth, according to NPR.)

Never mind that the Pakistani citizens are behind this, that the military has no plans to remain permanently in power, or that things actually seem to be improving there already. The US wants things to change. Sound familiar? Remember Cuba in the 1950s?

Why do we continue to try to get involved with other nations' domestic policies when our own is so demonstrably bad, and when, whenever we do, we always seem to make a bigger mess of things than when we stepped in?

Give 'Im Some Ritalin!
A chimpanzee, which apparently has bitten some people, is the subject of a custody dispute in California. (What other state would be a candidate for something like this?)

Surprisingly, it's not Michael Jackson's chimp, Bubbles.

Où Est le Boeuf?
Since the UK cannot actually prove that the source of bovine spongiform encephalitis, A.K.A. BSE, A.K.A. Mad Cow Disease, has actually been eliminated from its food supply, the French, quite logically, do not want any British beef being imported.

That's not going to stop the British, though.

Not Eating Disorders, no...
In an announcement certain to soothe the minds of literally tens of... ah, ones of Americans, it has been revealed that wrestlers (meaning the fake ones, like the Minnesota Governor) don't have eating disorders.

There is actually research being conducted along these lines. Not surprisingly that research is happening at Arizona State University, famous for the awe-inspiring insobriety of its student body. It's surely no coincidence that wrestling fans generally aren't capable of walking straight either, if they are physically over the age of ten.

Hey, it Was Only The One Toilet Plunger Up The One Guy's Butt... And The Mop Handle... And The Lamp...
The UN has been told (by the US) that torture occurs occasionally in the US.

This is of course not news to any nonwhite ever arrested by New York City or Los Angeles police, which arrestees are also not subjected to browbeating interrogations, near-complete suspension of civil rights, public humiliation and noncompensated time off work for false jailing.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell
An Atlanta man is suing everybody. He was wrongfully arrested for desertion by the Marine Corps, wrongfully held in military custody for over a month and, since that obviously was not enough, sexually assaulted by a fellow inmate during that time.

Of course Marine initiation ceremonies, as is now known, completely redefine the term "Gomer pile". But sorry, GI! This particular man doesn't polish his rifle that way, wink wink.

You Must be F---ing Kidding
Now Here Are Some Torture Candidates
The creep that murdered a ten-year-old girl after kidnapping her right off the street in front of her sisters in Kansas might strain the nature of an ascended Buddhist master.

The 24-year-old suspect arrested by the police reportedly told a co-worker last week that he wanted to kidnap, rape, murder and bury a little girl.

Of course his attorney is sure to find a way to make that statement inadmissable as evidence.

Had more persuasive methods of interrogation been used, perhaps the girl may not have turned up dead.

Meanwhile there may be a special prosecutor in the Ramsey case. Those are some other people who could use a little confessional lubrication.

Just Don't Bring Them In Without a Note From Your Parents
A private school in North Carolina is holding a raffle. The prizes are guns. Not toy guns.

A hint to those of you in North Carolina. Just because you pronounce it "raffle" does not mean you want your kids taking one to school.

Hi, Tech!
How About Getting Off Your Butt And Doing Something?
Proponents of a new low-carb diet fad are facing opposition from nutritionists, who seem to believe there is a correlation between sudden weight loss and unhealthy behavior, like the typical reactionaries they are.
If It's so Popular, Why are they Selling It?
Blue Mountain, famous for greeting cards which embarrass the hell out of adults when sent by their mothers to their inboxes so they can be seen at work by the adult's co-workers, is up for sale.
Huh
That's Tellin' Em, Madeline
The US Secretary of State assures the rest of the world that we will honor the nuclear test ban treaty, even though the morons in Congress, unlike their bosses (us), aren't behind it.

Apparently Madeline Albright, an appointed official, is more in touch with the American people than our own elected representatives.

Time to Rewrite the NAFTA
Lest you think that it's only the US that's overrun with vile cops, some Mexican authorities are in deep trouble now for raping teenaged girls there.

Perhaps the US should renegotiate certain financially-desirable treaties with our neighbor to the south. Cuba's a better country, in many repects, than Mexico is (and their public health care system's better than ours).

Wonder if They'd Eat Mexican Pig?
Recent flooding has caused a Mexican town to have problems of a reptilian kind.
Of Course, They Were Not a Threat to The US
I didn't even know there were Nazi deportations from Rome. Evidently there were.
That's Why We Keep Launching Them Over the Sea of Japan
According to North Korean officials, North Korea needs to have an active missile program for the purposes of self defense.

I wasn't aware they were being threatened by anyone. Well, outside their own government, anyway.