The weird and dumb, or, sliced worst on wry -- 92% recycled marmot offal!
This edition: Drug-induced panic! Yeah, that's the ticket! ... Pat vanishes from political scopes... Klan gets tan, can fit in minivan... Gays actually listening to Falwell? ... Another Columbine-related shooting... So much for the Mountain Dew endorsement... The better man's not winning... Third Texas "drag queen" on trial... Texas man kills wife, gets "time-out"... Flash! Advertising isn't accurate! ... But you can make a really beautiful omelet... People on AOL are just like you! ... Intel's pride in runts... The real cause of reactor problems...
General Foolishness
Was it Drugs or Panic?
Aaron McKinney, one of two men who beat the life out of a fellow human being for the grievous wrong of being homosexual, might use either the defense that he was on drugs or the defense that gay people freak him out in justifying his primary role in the pointless clubbing, abuse, torture and murder he undoubtedly participated in. Of course he could use both defenses too, in combination.

We've got a third defense we hope his sleazy lawyer considers: Aaron McKinney's an idiotic redneck piece of crap, the direct result of several generations' inbreeding, and so, rather than being held responsible for his actions -- he really can't help the fact he's a vicious psychopath -- should merely be lobotomized (to complete the effects) and sterilized (to prevent his having any further intimate relations with his, ah, relations, and breeding even more morons like himself).

Castrate him first, though, since if our hunch is correct that'd have the same effect as lobotomizing him, given which head he probably does all his thinking with. Why go to any unnecessary expense?

Along that reasoning, of course, no anesthesia should be used. Just a much-smaller version of one of those elastic bands they use on bulls.

Who Really Cares?
In what is surely vastly disappointing to tens of fractions of Republicans, Pat Buchanan made good on his "threat" today, heading off into Reform Party land. He whined that other Repiglicans have abandoned him, a fact which makes this publisher believe that perhaps the GOP has more brain cells among it than previously suspected.

Hey, Pat, here's a hint. They didn't drop you because they disagree with the totality of your politics. It's because you're a raving loon who publically discredits the efforts of millions of US veterans by implying the US participation in World War Two was unnecessary.

Oh, that and the fact you're a creepy little troll who has more in common with Hitler than with most other prominent members of American politics.

The Klan you Love to Hate
Not that he's actually a member necessarily, but Buchanan surely felt the pain of the dozen or so Klansmen who showed up at the New York rally where they were forbidden by legal edict last week to actually wear masks.

The dismally low attendance -- when approximately 80 members of the Klan had been expected -- was blamed largely on the fact that the racist bastards had to walk around barefaced, so the entire city could see the scum.

These "superior" humans are apparently afraid of reprisals, despite having more guns -- and fewer teeth, to match the scarcity of branching in the family tree, no doubt -- than most Americans.

Gee, Klan members afraid of being discriminated against or even lynched? This publisher can only respond to their concerns at this inevitable turning of karma by laughing until he drools.

It Must Be The Apocalypse
Jerry Falwell is actually trying to bring his message to homosexuals. And he might be succeeding.
You Must be F---ing Kidding
Why Now?
The mother of a girl wounded in the Columbine massacre (who was actually making some good progress toward recovery) has killed herself. She asked to see a .38 in a pawn shop and, as the store owner's back was turned, loaded the pistol with ammuntion she had brought and shot herself in the head.

Of course the NRA still supports unlimited firearm access, largely we suspect for the same reasons Philip Morris still supports unlimited tobacco access.

Too Late
A veteran parachutist, protesting a ban on parachiting from a point in Yosemite National Park (by parachuting from that point) on the grounds that it is perfectly safe, died as a result of her chute not opening.

Unfortunately, being 60 at the time, she surely did not take herself out of the gene pool before breeding, which means she's got some similarly-intelligent offspring free in the world.

What the heck. Let 'em do it. We need fewer people like this around anyway.

How Stupid Are They, Anyway?
Proving once more that it's not the best man, but the richest, who gets the most votes, George W. "cokehead" Bush is ahead of John McCain in the Repugnican polls.

Good thing Canada's only a couple hundred miles -- ah, we mean several hundred kilometers -- to the north.

Motive? Doesn't Matter
The third man who dragged a black man to his death in Texas is due to go on trial. Apparently this one wasn't racist, just unlucky.

Not half so unlucky as their victim, of course.

All My Exes Die in Texas
A man who shot and killed his wife after catching her in bed with another man has received four months for the act; possibly part of the reason the jury let him off so easily was because he surely made it very clear that had he caught his wife in bed with another woman, he, like most men, would have shot a different load entirely.

Unsurprisingly he too lives in Texas.

Which is where George W. Bush is from.

Do you really think we want him in the White House? Imagine what he'd do some night on a wild coke binge...

But All Advertising Makes Such Claims
Pizza Hut is angry with -- and suing -- Papa John's, stating the PJ ads imply that PH uses inferior ingredients.

Maybe they do use inferior ingredients. Certainly if PH loses the suit you can count on PJ crowing that a court of law has proved they use better ingredients.

More Superior Ingredients
Some models are offering their eggs for sale. The justification is that beauty should be available to anyone, which makes no sense whatsoever in this context, since the eggs are not free, and is almost but not entirely irrelevant to the act of offering human eggs for sale.

Infertility groups claim this makes human life a commodity. Hasn't it always been?

Of course this plan to raise a race of the ueberschoen will be short circuited by adding the sperm of men who believe that buying eggs from an online auction is perfectly acceptable, and not insulting in any fashion whatsoever to their wives.

AOLers At It Again
A 19-year-old is in trouble for threatening 8th graders in an AOL chat room. Not sexually, for once. Though there might be some aggressive displacement.
Hi, Tech!
Aww, How Cuuuuuuuuuuuuute...
Intel is very proud of their new updated top-of-the-line Pentium III chips, which can almost do 750 whole megahertz, or still 25% slower than Motorola's PowerMac G4 chips.

AMD, meanwhile, is still pushing hot chips too, which have two distinct advantages over Intel's line: One, they are slightly cheaper; and two, they have the words "Don't Panic!" inscribed in large, friendly letters on their covers. No, wait, that's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

The AMD chips are slightly cheaper, but they also lack the digital fingerprint that Intel's chips have, making them less desirable to Bill "Big Brother" Gates, since he's not able to track what AMD users are doing online all the time like he can with the Intel crowd.

We Always Thought it was Jack Lemmon
It actually took a study to determine the source of error in most nuclear reactor mishaps.