The weird and dumb, or, sliced worst on wry -- the Exxon Valdez of news!
This edition: Badyear? ... At last, a medical information net site... Ramseys continue to cry innocence... Aaron McKinney flashes back... Not always Coca-Cola... Organic (but not blue corn) chips... IRS may simply disappear in 2000... Getting ready in Japan... Getting ready here... Greenspan (surprise!) gloomy... "Stud" England and "Spike" France argue over superior beef... Almost like the contract on America, but not as selfish or vicious... SUV drivers are probably idiots...
General Foolishness
Oh, the Humanity!
One of the Goodyear blimps crashed in Suffield, Ohio. Several hundred nonexistent passengers were not killed in the firey explosion of volatile gases not conatined in the blimp. A memorial service for those not dead will not be held this Sunday. In lieu of no flowers, mourners are asked not to donate money to the nonexistent Suvivors Memorial Fund.
Your HMO Won't Cover it, Anyway
The AMA has joined with other organizations in planning to place a health information site online.

The site, which you will have to wait at least 45 minutes to access before you are curtly told it's all in your head, will feature insipid music, links that are three years out of date, and of course viruses that you will easily get, leaving you worse off than when you arrived.

They're At It Again
The Colorado state governor has advised the Ramseys to stop hiding and come forward with whatever they know about who bludgeoned and strangled their little girl. They may have to take the Fifth.

The Ramseys responded -- somewhat quietly -- by (surprise!) protesting their innocence.

You Must be F---ing Kidding
Pretty Darn Good Memory for a Drunk Druggie
Aaron McKinney, one of two worthless piles of prarie flop who beat a gay college student to death, described in no small detail, for over an hour, precisely what happened the night of the killing, even though he was supposed to be drugged out or drunk (or both) while it was going on.

McKinney claimed he attacked Shepard after Shepard grabbed his genitals. Well what'd you expect, ya moron? You were coming on to him.

No worries, Aaron -- soon enough you'll have all the gay love you could possibly want (and certainly in the way you deserve), as you get anally raped every night in prison for the rest of your worthless life.

The Ever-Spiralling Cost of Good Coke
Coca-Cola's investigating the possibility of putting out a temperature-sensitive vending machine, one which will charge more per cold soft drink as the temperature outside rises.

Industry experts agree that the chief cost involved in producing the new machines would lie in making them vandalism proof, thus protecting them from being destroyed by outraged mobs of thirsty Generation Xers.

Pepsi responded by saying,"Good. We hope they go through with it. Meanwhile you can have a cool, refreshing Pepsi, at the same price all the time, guaranteed."

Hi, Tech!
PETA Will Surely Protest
IBM has unveiled a chip made partially of organic components, bringing the world closer to the inevitable era when future cyborgs will have destroyed almost all of humainty save one pocket of resistance, which sends a man back in time to protect a single woman, whom he impregnates and whose son is then in need of protection in a second and very lucrative plot.

The chip "self-assembles", prompting questions from Kathie Lee Gifford about how much it would cost to erect a self-assembling chip sweatshop in overseas markets.

They Didn't Exist then, so I Guess There're No Taxes
The IRS has admitted a problem with 2000 compliance; some of their own machines might think it's 1900, when the IRS didn't exist. Wonder if that'll make them vanish.
If You Knew Sushi...
Japan has cautioned its citizens to stockpile a little extra food in advance of the 2000 rollover.

Apparently about 50 percent of the country's systems have been confirmed to be up to date; however one can take only small comfort of that in light of the fact that this represents only the communications, transportation and financial systems. It's the crucial Godzilla Defense Perimiter System that is apparently entirely at risk, prompting many to fear the large, frightening reptile will emerge from the ocean somewhere near Monster Island and go on a stomping rampage throughout all of downtown Tokyo, which will of course be helpless and have to rely on American defenses once more to save them. (Which will prove unsuccessful anyway; Japan will be saved in an unlikely string of events by a plucky but annoying small boy with a toy robot, a Mr. Microphone, and embarrassingly tiny shorts.)

Any Day Now...
Watch this space for news about Microslime. The government's expected to release information soon.
Huh
Ahhhh, Shaddup!
Alan Greenspan's once more speaking gloomily of the economy. Seems the only time he's happy is when things are all awry. Let consumers feel a little confidence, let 'em be spending a little, and there's ol' Eeyore Al, assuring us that things'll take a downawrd lurch soon.

There's something about Greenspan which reminds us of certain Christian factions, which never seem to be happy unless there's war, violence and murder, because this convinces them the world will be ending soon, which to them is good news.

You Both Suck
Britain and France are arguing now over who produces the most-unsafe beef. Britain charges that French beef contains too much cigarette ash and malodorous, unwashed bodily hair, while France contends that Britain's secretly stuffing its sausages with millions of unused toothbrushes, then tying them off with similarly virgin lengths of dental floss, and you don't want to know where they're putting the toothpaste.

As far as this publisher's concerned, neither produces edible beef. French folk are not known for cooking beef well (though they appear to relish it raw); English folk are not known for cooking well at all.

Don't Tell the NRA
A consortium of teenagers voted in a manifesto for the 21st century which includes freedom from drugs and violence.

This publisher can only suspect they're not fundamentalist members of any religion, then, or Americans.

I Owe Smiley One
This fun link to an anti-SUV site is truly hilarious and worth a quick surf, if you feel about them as I do -- that they're driven by pinheads, mostly. It came to me by way of a post from a friend on another list.