Special Indigestibe Advertising Supplement

Soft candle light, romantic music, a bottle of the finest wine capped in premium threaded aluminum, or, perhaps, boxed in the purest 25% post-consumer recycled Kraft paper.

Oh yeah, boy, we know what's on your mind... And so does she.

We know that nothing softens the glow in her eyes and weakens her resistance to your semi-coherent fumblings like a gift she'll never forget.

So this time, if you really want to get lucky, why not give her something she can't even give you: Physical genetic perfection.


The gift that says to her, "You aren't good enough for me."

Special to this issue we have auction lots of the finest eggs that money can buy.

But hurry up and place your bid, because these eggs, like her unconsciousness, aren't going to last...

Lot 1. Uma Thurman. Speaks for itself. Starting bid 150,000 dollars, US, or options on two very bad screenplays.
Lot 2. Jennifer "Love" Hewitt. Available in vast quantities, but a gem. Starting bid 75,000 US dollars.
Lot 3. Claudia Schiffer. May be slightly but beautifully blemished. Starting bid 200,000 dollars American.
Lot 4. Madonna. Used, but still like a virgin. Available in or on pallets, your choice. Starting at 25 cents.

*** Ask about our SPECIAL BULLET NURSING BRA! ***

Lot 5. The real Madonna. Immaculate. Price unattainable perfection. Christian bidders only, please.
Lot 6. Callista Flockhart. For those of you who find it appealing when a woman starves herself to infertility. Under negotiation.
Lot 7. Frat Party Potluck. Color of bottles not necessarily representative of color of donor. Starts with three beers or two wine coolers. Or some scotch. Or a little attention. Actually the price is very negotiable.
Lot 8. The whole she-bang. Plus a "grab-bag" of extra bonus donors, our choice. Prices start with your self-respect.
Special lot for impotent men! Just because you can't afford Viagra does not mean you can't impregnate somebody, somehow. Our special Tub-O-Goo (tm) fills the bill quite adequately, even when you can't. You supply the turkey baster. Guaranteed minimum 75 percent human issue. Price per 55-gallon vat, one Winchester firearm or pack of Marlboros.

Remember... whatever the occasion, eggs make it better!