I’ve been naughty again.

Fresh to You

This is actu­ally some­thing I’ve been want­ing to do for a while.

You might won­der why I seem to hate McDonald’s, but the truth is that they’re just the biggest tar­get out there right now. They’re the food equiv­a­lent of a Hummer — big, waste­ful and iconic.

What dri­ves us to such excesses? I think I might have an idea.

There’s an awful lot of waste hap­pen­ing in the US — waste, overuse of resources and gen­eral self­ish­ness and greed. I can’t be cer­tain why this is hap­pen­ing but it is worth point­ing out that other ani­mals don’t behave as we do, with a few strik­ing exceptions.*

Take car­ni­vores. Canines, ursines and felines. They kill some­thing and eat until they’re full, basi­cally, leav­ing the car­cass to be scav­enged. They don’t gen­er­ally store the remains. But what they also do not do is kill off more than they can eat. They don’t take down five or six mem­bers of the herd; only one ani­mal gets it at a time.

But sup­pose they sud­denly were given an aware­ness of time.

Then you’d have hunters begin­ning to fret. Not only would they be aware of their cur­rent hunger; they’d be aware of hav­ing been hun­gry in the past, and would be aware of the cer­tainty of future hunger.

Then, per­haps, they’d start think­ing of ways to pre­serve food, to try to fore­stall lean days when the ante­lope are a lit­tle more fleet of foot than usual.

Is this what we do when we hoard, stock­pile and gen­er­ally overgather?

Is greed** really noth­ing more than meat’s response to the fear of too lit­tle? Elaborate in some cases, cer­tainly — but then, look at all the elab­o­rate things we do in the name of get­ting laid. If fuck­ing is respon­si­ble for the fash­ion indus­try, is it really a stretch to say that fear is respon­si­ble for rapac­ity and selfishness?

So, really, Hummers and such aren’t just com­pen­sa­tions for small penises; they’re man­i­fes­ta­tions of abject ter­ror. Pity the owner.

And, of course, make fun of him.

BTW, here’s a present for you. It’s the PDF ver­sion of the graphic at the top of the arti­cle, 4 on a page, with nutri­tional and other infor­ma­tion on the back. Suitable for print­ing on paper or pre­cut stock. Just don’t make a mess.

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* Ants, for instance, store food.

** And, come to think of it, what about the apoc­a­lyp­tics? The peo­ple who believe the col­lapse of civ­i­liza­tion is inevitable? Many of them are not right-​​wing fanat­ics; many of them are just plain fuck­ing insane. Are they essen­tially obsessed with the idea of run­ning out of things?

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