The Indigestible

I’ve been naughty again.

This is actually something I’ve been wanting to do for a while.

You might wonder why I seem to hate McDonald’s, but the truth is that they’re just the biggest target out there right now. They’re the food equivalent of a Hummer — big, wasteful and iconic.

What drives us to such excesses? I think I might have an idea.

There’s an awful lot of waste happening in the US — waste, overuse of resources and general selfishness and greed. I can’t be certain why this is happening but it is worth pointing out that other animals don’t behave as we do, with a few striking exceptions.*

Take carnivores. Canines, ursines and felines. They kill something and eat until they’re full, basically, leaving the carcass to be scavenged. They don’t generally store the remains. But what they also do not do is kill off more than they can eat. They don’t take down five or six members of the herd; only one animal gets it at a time.

But suppose they suddenly were given an awareness of time.

Then you’d have hunters beginning to fret. Not only would they be aware of their current hunger; they’d be aware of having been hungry in the past, and would be aware of the certainty of future hunger.

Then, perhaps, they’d start thinking of ways to preserve food, to try to forestall lean days when the antelope are a little more fleet of foot than usual.

Is this what we do when we hoard, stockpile and generally overgather?

Is greed** really nothing more than meat’s response to the fear of too little? Elaborate in some cases, certainly — but then, look at all the elaborate things we do in the name of getting laid. If fucking is responsible for the fashion industry, is it really a stretch to say that fear is responsible for rapacity and selfishness?

So, really, Hummers and such aren’t just compensations for small penises; they’re manifestations of abject terror. Pity the owner.

And, of course, make fun of him.

BTW, here’s a present for you. It’s the PDF version of the graphic at the top of the article, 4 on a page, with nutritional and other information on the back. Suitable for printing on paper or precut stock. Just don’t make a mess.

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* Ants, for instance, store food.

** And, come to think of it, what about the apocalyptics? The people who believe the collapse of civilization is inevitable? Many of them are not right-wing fanatics; many of them are just plain fucking insane. Are they essentially obsessed with the idea of running out of things?