WASHINGTON — Facing an ongo­ing set of fail­ures on domes­tic and for­eign fronts, the Congress of the United States has filed for Chapter 11 pro­tec­tion under the Moral Bankruptcy Codes.

Between the clear selling-​​out we did a few years ago to get votes from the right-​​wing fun­da­men­tal­ist reli­gious loonies and the way we’ve sold con­ser­vatism, America and the val­ues our great nation was founded upon for a mess of pot­tage, we’re basi­cally out of bucks to pass,” said Bill Frist (R — MD) on Friday.

Forget about Iraq, Afghanistan, small­pox or even the US-​​Mexico bor­der,” Frist said. “Basically our shit hasn’t been in one coil for years.”

Apologizing for “eth­i­cal spend­thriftery,” Frist listed past and present con­di­tions as part of the rea­son Congress must seek Moral Bankruptcy pro­tec­tion. “We were really irre­spon­si­ble in 2000 and 2001,” he said. “We had blank checks, and we signed off on every­thing. So we pushed through a war that — really — we knew even then we couldn’t afford.

It got worse,” Frist con­tin­ued. “We became addicted to the lifestyle. We stole from our par­ents, revamp­ing Medicare in 2003, and now those chick­ens are com­ing home to roost too in the form of denial of cov­er­age to uncounted num­bers of senior cit­i­zens.” The refer­rence to the Medicare “dough­nut hole” was met with some hos­til­ity among net­work jour­nal­ists, blank stares from more than a few blog­gers, and deaf­en­ing eye-​​rolling from most every­one else.

Sorry, Mom and Dad,” Frist went on. “I know you needed those med­i­cines to stay alive, and I know you could have had them for much, much less from Canada — but that’s just not how we saw it back then. Our pharma lob­by­ists clouded our eyes, but hey, we let them, after all.

We couldn’t really tell the dif­fer­ence between those meds and the War on Drugs we’re still waging.

We’ve been spend­ing a lot on that too, blow­ing wads of cred­i­bil­ity on silly adver­tise­ments tar­get­ing teens that have no mea­sur­able effect what­so­ever while at the same time act­ing as aoplo­gists for tobacco, alco­hol and — of course — the phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal industry.

Oh, except where it comes to actu­ally get­ting drugs to our seniors,” he added.

And now, with the Pentagon telling us that there’s no way they can con­tinue in Iraq for one more year with­out either mas­sive troop with­drawals or mas­sively more fund­ing than the Secretary of Defense wants to put for­ward, well, I guess our lit­tle house-​​of-​​cards fan­tasy world has finally fallen down.”

For those and other rea­sons — and to pro­tect them­selves from fall­out when mil­lions of Americans finally real­ize how badly they’ve been betrayed by their puta­tive rep­re­sen­ta­tives — Frist has announced the deci­sion to seek Moral Bankruptcy protection.

We’ve fucked things up so badly I don’t think there’s any way we can recover,” Frist said. “And, really, given our track record, would you want us to try to fix anything?”


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