WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush said today that he was “gravely concerned” about intelligence reports suggesting that South America was providing sanctuary to terrorism.
“I was watching that crazy beasts show on Discovery and they talked about these terror birds,” Bush said. “Did you know they eat horses? Whoo boy, I wouldn’t want to have to face one of them. But my job as President is to make sure no one has to.”
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced plans to immediately redeploy US armed forces to several locations in South America. “We will teach them the true nature of freedom,” he said, “by killing as many of them as we possibly can.”
Mr. Rumsfeld’s microphone then apparently malfunctioned, as the sound cut out and the rest of his comments were inaudible.
White House Press Secreatry Tony Snow, prior to the President’s briefing, said, “This is another example of the continuing need for America to be constantly vigilant, to not let our resolve slip, and of course to vote Republican — because we don’t want to see what could happen if the soft-on-terror birds liberals were in charge.
“Hell, if it was up to them, you’d have terror birds running wild in the streets of New York or Los Angeles, raping all our women and then forcing them to have abortions.”
Asked whether he was aware that Phorusrhacidae species such as Diatryma gigantea had become extinct millions of years ago — and that the horses they ate were actually Hyracotheria, whch were about the size of a modern housecat — Bush waved his hands. “First off, the Earth isn’t that old. I know it isn’t. The Bible tells me so. Okay? It is unacceptable to think that the Bible might be wrong about anything.
“I’m sure our intelligence is good,” he added. “It might be a little out of date, but if they had terror birds at some point in the past, it makes sense that they still have them today. We can’t wait for the UN to impose sanctions. We can’t let the smoking gun be in the shape of a mushroom omelet.
“Do you understand how dangerous they are? They’re basically animals. They don’t care about the sanctity of human life. They got these great big beaks on ’em, could crush your little baby’s skull real easy. I want you to imagine that. Just think about it for a moment. These animals want to kill your family!”
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