WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush said today that he was “gravely con­cerned” about intel­li­gence reports sug­gest­ing that South America was pro­vid­ing sanc­tu­ary to terrorism.

I was watch­ing that crazy beasts show on Discovery and they talked about these ter­ror birds,” Bush said. “Did you know they eat horses? Whoo boy, I wouldn’t want to have to face one of them. But my job as President is to make sure no one has to.”

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced plans to imme­di­ately rede­ploy US armed forces to sev­eral loca­tions in South America. “We will teach them the true nature of free­dom,” he said, “by killing as many of them as we pos­si­bly can.”

Mr. Rumsfeld’s micro­phone then appar­ently mal­func­tioned, as the sound cut out and the rest of his com­ments were inaudible.

White House Press Secreatry Tony Snow, prior to the President’s brief­ing, said, “This is another exam­ple of the con­tin­u­ing need for America to be con­stantly vig­i­lant, to not let our resolve slip, and of course to vote Republican — because we don’t want to see what could hap­pen if the soft-​​on-​​terror birds lib­er­als were in charge.

Hell, if it was up to them, you’d have ter­ror birds run­ning wild in the streets of New York or Los Angeles, rap­ing all our women and then forc­ing them to have abortions.”

Asked whether he was aware that Phorusrhacidae species such as Diatryma gigan­tea had become extinct mil­lions of years ago — and that the horses they ate were actu­ally Hyracotheria, whch were about the size of a mod­ern house­cat — Bush waved his hands. “First off, the Earth isn’t that old. I know it isn’t. The Bible tells me so. Okay? It is unac­cept­able to think that the Bible might be wrong about anything.

I’m sure our intel­li­gence is good,” he added. “It might be a lit­tle out of date, but if they had ter­ror birds at some point in the past, it makes sense that they still have them today. We can’t wait for the UN to impose sanc­tions. We can’t let the smok­ing gun be in the shape of a mush­room omelet.

Do you under­stand how dan­ger­ous they are? They’re basi­cally ani­mals. They don’t care about the sanc­tity of human life. They got these great big beaks on ’em, could crush your lit­tle baby’s skull real easy. I want you to imag­ine that. Just think about it for a moment. These ani­mals want to kill your family!”


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