WASHINGTON — President George Bush urged the nation to calm today in the wake of the complete chaos and social breakdown which took place a mere two days after the Democratic takeover of congress.
“I want to assure the American people that their leadership is still intact, and that we’re already taking measures to quell the rioting that has swept across the nation.”
It began with an immediate 110% increase in income, sales and federal taxes. Millions of Americans were horrified to learn that their paychecks had been retroactively taxed back to 1994, the last year when the Democrats had held power in Washington, and that they collectively owed 428 skajillion million billion hillion dollars.
“Who cares if it’s a made-up number?” Nancy Pelosi said. “I’m a woman with power, and I say pay up, peons!”
Ted Kennedy (D-MA) was seen diving, Scrooge McDuck-style, into a vault of money the size of the Astrodome — the key difference being that McDuck, a beloved Disney icon, was never depicted as swimming drunk and nude through his money, nor with a dozen equally nude and debauched young women. “Money!” Kennedy snorted in glee, backstroking through an eddy of Franklins. “Money money money! We tax! We spend! You earn it but we keep it!
“Suck it up, America!” he cried, then dived deep into the flood of freshly-stolen taxpayers’ currency.
Elsewhere was pandemonium as terrorists, emboldened by the weak-on-terror Democrats, ran through the streets of a terrorized New York, performing unnameable terrorist deeds on the terrified innocents that tried to flee in terror. Similarly terrible actions of terrorism were taking place in Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland and San Francisco, though the latter city had already been rendered to ash by the rain of sulfur and fire that had fallen upon it when hundreds of thousands of uninhibited man-on-dog sex proponents took to the street, performing their favorite actions right out in the open in front of God and everyone else.
“I’m gonna marry this bitch,” said one, hugging and then buggering a basset hound. He went on to defile three great danes and a single, helpless chihuahua before collapsing in a drug-induced state of catatonia.
Along the US-Mexico border things were no better. Millions of Mexican illegals surged across the national boundary line in the course of only a few minutes, completely overrunning law enforcement. On arriving in the US they immediately took over every administrative and white-collar position they could get hold of, then began demanding bilingual menus at French restaurants and free health care while filing trillions of frivolous lawsuits against “damned yanquis”.
“If only we still had our guns,” one Texas man mourned woefully. A former oil company executive whose corporation was shut down immediately by the anti-business Democratic régime, his back was already aching from the labor in the fields he was doing using only a short-handled hoe. “We could have stopped the takeover of our nation by the foreigners and the terrorists. But as soon as those Democrats got into power they took all our guns away. Now we have nothing left.”
He paused to wipe his streaming eyes with a handkerchief. “Don’t these soft lefties see what they’ve done to America?”
Late last night the nation watched in horror as both Keith Olbermann and Jon Stewart issued public apologies for and retractions of, as they said in a joint statement, “our years of frank pandering to the left-wing ultra-liberal power base.” Taking full responsibility as the vice-president and president (respectively) of the Liberal Anti-American Media, they then went on to commit hari-kari.
Even this act of extreme contrition was not enough to appease some, however. “Told you! Told you!” cackled Donald Rumsfeld from his single-wide Airstream trailer in central Oklahoma. Taking a swig of M-D 20/20, he belched and scratched himself idly. “Told you it was just too complicated for regular people to understand.”
Pat Robertson has been at the White House since early this morning, offering counsel and prayer vigils for the Commmander-in-Chief, who is now faced with the unfortunate duty of having to declare martial law and using National Guard troops to assist displaced American citizens into safety camps.
“I’m not afraid, since Jesus is with me,” Bush said, with only a slight alcoholic tremor visible in his hands this morning. “I’ve already run Rummy’s resignation through the shredder. I’m sure we’ll be able to fix everything the Democrats ruined in the last day or two.
“I tried to warn you,” he went on. “I tried to say that security and taxes should matter to the American people.
“Who’s laughing now, huh?”