WASHINGTON — President George Bush urged the nation to calm today in the wake of the com­plete chaos and social break­down which took place a mere two days after the Democratic takeover of congress.

I want to assure the American peo­ple that their lead­er­ship is still intact, and that we’re already tak­ing mea­sures to quell the riot­ing that has swept across the nation.”

It began with an imme­di­ate 110% increase in income, sales and fed­eral taxes. Millions of Americans were hor­ri­fied to learn that their pay­checks had been retroac­tively taxed back to 1994, the last year when the Democrats had held power in Washington, and that they col­lec­tively owed 428 ska­jil­lion mil­lion bil­lion hillion dollars.

Who cares if it’s a made-​​up num­ber?” Nancy Pelosi said. “I’m a woman with power, and I say pay up, peons!”

Ted Kennedy (D-​​MA) was seen div­ing, Scrooge McDuck-​​style, into a vault of money the size of the Astrodome — the key dif­fer­ence being that McDuck, a beloved Disney icon, was never depicted as swim­ming drunk and nude through his money, nor with a dozen equally nude and debauched young women. “Money!” Kennedy snorted in glee, back­stroking through an eddy of Franklins. “Money money money! We tax! We spend! You earn it but we keep it!

Suck it up, America!” he cried, then dived deep into the flood of freshly-​​stolen tax­pay­ers’ currency.

Elsewhere was pan­de­mo­nium as ter­ror­ists, embold­ened by the weak-​​on-​​terror Democrats, ran through the streets of a ter­ror­ized New York, per­form­ing unname­able ter­ror­ist deeds on the ter­ri­fied inno­cents that tried to flee in ter­ror. Similarly ter­ri­ble actions of ter­ror­ism were tak­ing place in Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland and San Francisco, though the lat­ter city had already been ren­dered to ash by the rain of sul­fur and fire that had fallen upon it when hun­dreds of thou­sands of unin­hib­ited man-​​on-​​dog sex pro­po­nents took to the street, per­form­ing their favorite actions right out in the open in front of God and every­one else.

I’m gonna marry this bitch,” said one, hug­ging and then bug­ger­ing a bas­set hound. He went on to defile three great danes and a sin­gle, help­less chi­huahua before col­laps­ing in a drug-​​induced state of catatonia.

Along the US-​​Mexico bor­der things were no bet­ter. Millions of Mexican ille­gals surged across the national bound­ary line in the course of only a few min­utes, com­pletely over­run­ning law enforce­ment. On arriv­ing in the US they imme­di­ately took over every admin­is­tra­tive and white-​​collar posi­tion they could get hold of, then began demand­ing bilin­gual menus at French restau­rants and free health care while fil­ing tril­lions of friv­o­lous law­suits against “damned yanquis”.

If only we still had our guns,” one Texas man mourned woe­fully. A for­mer oil com­pany exec­u­tive whose cor­po­ra­tion was shut down imme­di­ately by the anti-​​business Democratic régime, his back was already aching from the labor in the fields he was doing using only a short-​​handled hoe. “We could have stopped the takeover of our nation by the for­eign­ers and the ter­ror­ists. But as soon as those Democrats got into power they took all our guns away. Now we have noth­ing left.”

He paused to wipe his stream­ing eyes with a hand­ker­chief. “Don’t these soft left­ies see what they’ve done to America?”

Late last night the nation watched in hor­ror as both Keith Olbermann and Jon Stewart issued pub­lic apolo­gies for and retrac­tions of, as they said in a joint state­ment, “our years of frank pan­der­ing to the left-​​wing ultra-​​liberal power base.” Taking full respon­si­bil­ity as the vice-​​president and pres­i­dent (respec­tively) of the Liberal Anti-​​American Media, they then went on to com­mit hari-​​kari.

Even this act of extreme con­tri­tion was not enough to appease some, how­ever. “Told you! Told you!” cack­led Donald Rumsfeld from his single-​​wide Airstream trailer in cen­tral Oklahoma. Taking a swig of M-​​D 20/​20, he belched and scratched him­self idly. “Told you it was just too com­pli­cated for reg­u­lar peo­ple to understand.”

Pat Robertson has been at the White House since early this morn­ing, offer­ing coun­sel and prayer vig­ils for the Commmander-​​in-​​Chief, who is now faced with the unfor­tu­nate duty of hav­ing to declare mar­tial law and using National Guard troops to assist dis­placed American cit­i­zens into safety camps.

I’m not afraid, since Jesus is with me,” Bush said, with only a slight alco­holic tremor vis­i­ble in his hands this morn­ing. “I’ve already run Rummy’s res­ig­na­tion through the shred­der. I’m sure we’ll be able to fix every­thing the Democrats ruined in the last day or two.

I tried to warn you,” he went on. “I tried to say that secu­rity and taxes should mat­ter to the American people.

Who’s laugh­ing now, huh?”