The Indigestible

WASHINGTON — In a landmark ruling today, the Supreme Court found 9-0 that the United States federal government was in violation of antitrust laws and ordered it broken up immediately.

Writing for the majority, Antonin Scalia had this to say. His words are offered without further comment.

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The definition of a monopoly is well-established and has been noted by precedent in this and other courts. While it has been argued — eloquently — that the United States federal government is an elected body which has been chosen by the people, we find to the contrary in several important respects.

To begin, the institution of the Electoral College effectively bars individuals from directly choosing a chief executive. Furthermore, this executive is insulated from consequences of his or her own actions when further elected representatives of the people refuse to act on the interests of those whom they putatively represent. Thus we find that the claims of representative government by the United States federal body are spurious.

Furthermore, as has been argued persuasively, monied interests have become the dominant factor in United States federal decisions, most notably in the last half decade, but on an increasing level for more than fifty years. This puts the government’s actions outside pure claims of representation; in truth it seems that more than half the time the United States federal government is acting solely in the interests of agencies in possession of eight and more figures in money assets.

Monopolies exist in a climate antithetical to free trade and open capitalism; a key mark of a monopoly is that it asserts hostile control over other agencies and overtakes them in the name of increasing its own bottom line. Recent actions by the United States federal government toward other regimes have shown it is interested primarily in hostile takeovers of other groups, all to better its own fiscal interests — again, clearly behaving not in a representative fashion, but rather in a business-oriented one.

For this reason we find that the United States federal government is both a corporate, for-profit interest; and that it is behaving in a manner which clearly violates its own antitrust statutes.

We therefore order that the United States federal government be broken up into fifty-one segments, each with loci in extant state capitols plus the District of Columbia. This will allow citizens of the baby Feds to choose which version of government they prefer simply by moving to a different state, and will effectively permanently disband the crushing, overarching control the United States federal government has exerted upon individual liberties and freedoms, particularly in recent years.

Border treaties, currency exchanges and commerce will be worked out over time but will not be a matter for this Court, as it has dissolved itself in the process of dismantling the United States federal government.

So entered.