So this is where it gets personal.

I got my fin­ger­print card from the state last month — it means there’s no legal bar­rier now between me and what­ever might hap­pen. I mean, my under­stand­ing is that now, if the adop­tion I want doesn’t go for­ward, it’ll be because I failed. I didn’t fol­low up or I did some­thing wrong, didn’t cross the right eye or dot the proper tee.

I’m still in a kind of fog; I got the fin­ger­print clear­ance on February 14th, a sort of Valentine’s card that I didn’t expect.

I think I’m just begin­ning to real­ize how much and how deeply every­thing can change, how fast, how soon. I’ve done a hell of a lot — but I still have so much more to do.

I’m adding a cat­e­gory to TI: Yoshi. I’m not refer­ring to the tur­tle; yoshi means, in Japanese, adopted son. As I learn more and things move for­ward, I’ll be post­ing stuff in this cat­e­gory. I won’t be using names because I’m on the fost/​adopt track now, which means that until the adop­tion is offi­cial Yoshi (whomever he might be) will be my fos­ter son and will have to have anonymity; after­ward, it’ll be up to him if he wants to have his face and name splat­tered all over the blogosphere.

Christ. If I do this right, I’m gonna be a dad.

There’s work involved. Here’s what my bed­room looks like:

My room

Here’s the other bed­room in the apart­ment now, what will be Yoshi’s room:

Yoshi's room in disrepair

Yeesh. That’s got to change. It has to lose its clut­ter, lose all the boxes of crap, become more orga­nized and be turned into some­thing like a picture-​​perfect cat­a­log image, some­thing more like this:

Probably not his bedroom.

I know. It won’t be like that. It can’t be; I don’t want to fill my house with Ikea’s ide­al­ism. I’m think­ing some fairly straight­for­ward stuff, a bunk bed, a dresser, a bean­bag. (Some of that is already there, actu­ally, just buried under mounds of shi’ite.)

Here’s what I actu­ally have in mind for the room, paint­wise any­way. The ceil­ing is going to be sky blue I think, but the wall paint scheme will be more or less sym­bol­i­cally the same, east, north, west and south.

East wallNorth wallWest wallSouth wall

Right-​​click to get full­sized ver­sions in your browser.

I want my kid to have the coolest. room. ever.

Enuff re the paint. The bunk bed because he’ll have friends and some­times he’ll want to have them over for the night, to hang out and BS and just be what good friends are together. A bedroll on the floor isn’t enough for that. On the desk a com­puter, sure, prob­a­bly my retired and ven­er­a­ble iBook G3; maybe a TV and phone too, when he’s old enough.

But what­ever we start with, it won’t be the end; he’s going to make his space his own, put up posters, pick dif­fer­ent fur­ni­ture, move things around, clut­ter the floor with toys and games. Of course the books and mag­a­zines will still be there; he’ll be read­ing Mad Kids or Mad soon enough, or some­thing else, what­ever works, what­ever he wants.

Jesus, is this really going to hap­pen? Am I really ready for it?

Probably yes, and prob­a­bly no, in that order, I think.