When you live online, a fact of life you get used to is that some­times per­sonal notes get unin­ten­tion­ally sent to a wider audi­ence; usu­ally it’s because they’ve been sent by mis­take to a list­serv. Generally these notes are non­signif­i­cant, some­times they are weird (just a com­ment meant for a friend), and some­times they are deeply per­sonal and every­one just looks aside and says ahem.

But occa­sion­ally you get to read some things that just make you wonder.

For instance, on a list I sub to, there was a mes­sage blat called Blaine’s October Order, fol­lowed with only the cryp­tic line: Here it is.

Well.

I had to reply.

Here it is.

====

Dear Blaine:

I’m writ­ing you directly to let you know how sorry I am for the delays you’ve expe­ri­enced. I under­stand how dif­fi­cult it can be to face your con­di­tion — one cousin of mine strug­gled with it for years before his (and, later, hers) lengthy and painful surgery — and I wanted to take a moment to assure you per­son­ally that we are cer­tainly on top of things and are very sen­si­tive to the dis­creet han­dling of your very most per­sonal needs.

We’re hav­ing trou­ble pro­cess­ing the order. The 32x case of the Robbi Robotte Battery-​​Powered NimbliMinxes with Special Solar Accumulator Backsides are not so dif­fi­cult; how­ever, we’ve been hav­ing some prob­lems with our over­seas sup­pli­ers in get­ting cer­tain extra com­po­nents shipped to Phuket; appar­ently spurs are not clear­able with Customs now, nor are, regret­tably, the Puncture Repair Kits you asked for in 2006, as the bot­tles are above the pro­scribed 500mL of vol­ume. Tech Support sug­gests that you use, for the time being, the slightly smaller ring.

I know it won’t be any­where near as sat­is­fy­ing, but it has half the over­all pen­e­tra­tive force, par­tic­u­larly when the hydraulics are not engaged. That might reduce the num­ber of fail­ures you have expe­ri­enced. Give it a try.

We fur­ther regret the delay in our pro­cess­ing of your order for the Marine-​​Grade Sealant, and hope you’ll accept in stead our 5L ship­ment of liq­uid latex. We feel con­fi­dent that it, along with your 50 copies of Octopus Anatomy for Beginners, will meet your needs for the time being. I know it isn’t the com­plete set of Piscine Erogeny and Their Stimuli that you’d hoped for, but it’s the best I can do for now. I can only hope your party hasn’t been ruined.

Please con­tact us if this is not sufficient.

PS: No, no one before has com­plained of a rash. Are you sure you were using the cor­rect volt­age? Our Universal Plug-​​In Kit (item #22134) might help you there.

Regards.

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