When you live online, a fact of life you get used to is that sometimes personal notes get unintentionally sent to a wider audience; usually it’s because they’ve been sent by mistake to a listserv. Generally these notes are nonsignificant, sometimes they are weird (just a comment meant for a friend), and sometimes they are deeply personal and everyone just looks aside and says ahem.
But occasionally you get to read some things that just make you wonder.
For instance, on a list I sub to, there was a message blat called Blaine’s October Order, followed with only the cryptic line: Here it is.
Well.
I had to reply.
Here it is.
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Dear Blaine:
I’m writing you directly to let you know how sorry I am for the delays you’ve experienced. I understand how difficult it can be to face your condition — one cousin of mine struggled with it for years before his (and, later, hers) lengthy and painful surgery — and I wanted to take a moment to assure you personally that we are certainly on top of things and are very sensitive to the discreet handling of your very most personal needs.
We’re having trouble processing the order. The 32x case of the Robbi Robotte Battery-Powered NimbliMinxes with Special Solar Accumulator Backsides are not so difficult; however, we’ve been having some problems with our overseas suppliers in getting certain extra components shipped to Phuket; apparently spurs are not clearable with Customs now, nor are, regrettably, the Puncture Repair Kits you asked for in 2006, as the bottles are above the proscribed 500mL of volume. Tech Support suggests that you use, for the time being, the slightly smaller ring.
I know it won’t be anywhere near as satisfying, but it has half the overall penetrative force, particularly when the hydraulics are not engaged. That might reduce the number of failures you have experienced. Give it a try.
We further regret the delay in our processing of your order for the Marine-Grade Sealant, and hope you’ll accept in stead our 5L shipment of liquid latex. We feel confident that it, along with your 50 copies of Octopus Anatomy for Beginners, will meet your needs for the time being. I know it isn’t the complete set of Piscine Erogeny and Their Stimuli that you’d hoped for, but it’s the best I can do for now. I can only hope your party hasn’t been ruined.
Please contact us if this is not sufficient.
PS: No, no one before has complained of a rash. Are you sure you were using the correct voltage? Our Universal Plug-In Kit (item #22134) might help you there.
Regards.
