A CAVE, AFGHANISTAN — Osama Bin Laden released another tape Monday react­ing to the news from author JK Rowling that Albus Dumbledore, the wizard-​​headmaster of Hogwarts in her run­away Harry Potter book series, is gay.

I am not sur­prised,” the trans­lated mes­sage says in part, “to learn that yet another supposedly-​​harmless beloved icon of deca­dent Western cul­ture has proved to be an amoral pro­po­nent of the worst kind of unnaturalism.

From the begin­ning, we have seen Western cul­ture to be on a decline from the pure will of Allah. The signs and por­tents are all there for any­one who cares to look. What of the rela­tion­ship between the per­verse miser Scrooge McDuck and his ‘nephews’, Huey, Dewey and Louie, forced to run around with­out pants in front of the decrepit old drake’s allegedly myopic gaze?”

Responses from the United States were no less accusatory. Sean Hannity, of Fox News, warned that “such per­ver­sions of American youth by the too-​​liberal left­ists of England were inevitable. And then we had that stage play with Dan Radcliffe screw­ing horses, or what­ever it was about. I’m sure it’s just a mat­ter of time before we learn that some­thing truly inap­pro­pri­ate was tran­spir­ing between Ron, Harry and Hermione.”

Ann Coulter’s com­ment was only that she thought Dumbledore looked a lit­tle too Jewish.

As for his resem­blance to the fic­tional head­mas­ter, Bin Laden had this to say: “While a gan­gly, tall, bearded man may seem, in the eyes of the sin­ful, to resem­ble any other tall, bearded man, Allah knows that I have never allowed any to have illicit con­trol of my sacred wand.

Besides, mine is far longer than that English poofdah’s. Suck on that, Rowling.”

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