The Indigestible

A CAVE, AFGHANISTAN — Osama Bin Laden released another tape Monday reacting to the news from author JK Rowling that Albus Dumbledore, the wizard-headmaster of Hogwarts in her runaway Harry Potter book series, is gay.

“I am not surprised,” the translated message says in part, “to learn that yet another supposedly-harmless beloved icon of decadent Western culture has proved to be an amoral proponent of the worst kind of unnaturalism.

“From the beginning, we have seen Western culture to be on a decline from the pure will of Allah. The signs and portents are all there for anyone who cares to look. What of the relationship between the perverse miser Scrooge McDuck and his ‘nephews’, Huey, Dewey and Louie, forced to run around without pants in front of the decrepit old drake’s allegedly myopic gaze?”

Responses from the United States were no less accusatory. Sean Hannity, of Fox News, warned that “such perversions of American youth by the too-liberal leftists of England were inevitable. And then we had that stage play with Dan Radcliffe screwing horses, or whatever it was about. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before we learn that something truly inappropriate was transpiring between Ron, Harry and Hermione.”

Ann Coulter’s comment was only that she thought Dumbledore looked a little too Jewish.

As for his resemblance to the fictional headmaster, Bin Laden had this to say: “While a gangly, tall, bearded man may seem, in the eyes of the sinful, to resemble any other tall, bearded man, Allah knows that I have never allowed any to have illicit control of my sacred wand.

“Besides, mine is far longer than that English poofdah’s. Suck on that, Rowling.”