But it’s gen­uinely not pos­si­ble. After you’ve read some of the mock ad copy and checked out the PDF of the “adver­tise­ment” flyer,1 I think you’ll agree that it’s tragic no such device will ever exist.

Thumbnail of the flyer

Spam Got you Down?

In 2006, 17 exabytes of junk emails and com­mer­cial spam­bot blog com­ments were trans­ferred in the United States alone. If an equiv­a­lent amount of data were put to paper, the result­ing pile would be as large as Saturn.

Just read­ing the head­ers and junk­ing the mails cost an esti­mated 250 mil­lion person-​​hours, suck­ing the nation’s pro­duc­tiv­ity into an ever-​​increasing spi­ral of wasted time.

If you have email, chat or a blog you already know how much time you waste per day deal­ing with the annoy­ances of spam and viral scripts. You’ve installed fil­ters and fire­walls, but the flood of use­less data has con­tin­ued to rise like an unholy cesspool con­nected to Lucifer’s own privy. And it seems like there’s no way to stem the ris­ing tide.

Now there is. Now there’s SPucker™.

SPucker™ is an inno­v­a­tive, simple-​​to-​​use tool that will elim­i­nate spam at its source — the spam­mer him­self. Simply con­nect SPucker™ to your Linux, Macintosh or Windows PC, then copy and paste (or drag and drop) any spam email, blog post or IRC tran­script you encounter into the SPucker™ sys­tem icon.

Select the way the mes­sage was sent to you, the way you want SPucker™ to respond, and the level of dis­sua­sion you want to trans­mit. SPucker™ will do the rest, deliv­er­ing a 50 Kv, 0.01 mA charge or — at your choos­ing — a 100 Kv, 10-​​amp charge to the sender of the spam.

Painful or per­ma­nent, you can be sure your mes­sage will be heard loud and clear.

Doesn’t this sound like a lovely lit­tle gad­get? Image mockup after the flip, as well as the link to the PDF, which goes into more detail and has a “FAQ” on page two.

SPucker will never be a real­ity for the sim­ple rea­son that there is no direct phys­i­cal con­nec­tion between any two com­put­ers on the Internet, so send­ing a 50,000-volt elec­tri­cal charge from your PC to some ass­hole “investor” in Kenya is impossible.

Still, it’s a lovely dream.

spucker-face.jpg

SPucker Fact Sheet (320 KB PDF, two pages)

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1. I made up all the sta­tis­tics. I have no idea how much spam data was actu­ally sent in 2006; there prob­a­bly is no such thing as a reli­able sta­tis­tic on spam, partly because a lot of it gets deleted rather than stud­ied, logged and so on; and partly because the def­i­n­i­tion of spam is actu­ally a bit vague, being pri­mar­ily “Stuff I don’t want to read”. And of course I don’t really know that putting 17 exabytes of infor­ma­tion on paper will make such a huge mess either.

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