It was Friday night; now it’s Saturday morn­ing. 0400.

It’s still work­ing, but it’s lost some of its effi­cacy (obvi­ously, or I’d be asleep now). The manic uptick is a bit harder than it was, say, five days ago.

I hope this is just a bit of tol­er­ance. I’ll be up to 50 mg next week, and maybe that’ll offer a bet­ter reg­u­la­tor. For now, where I am isn’t unwork­able, just … dif­fi­cult. Like my reg­u­lar cyclothymic phases. Not quite manic, not quite BP I, but still not what I con­sider opti­mal. Not at all where I was, say, last Sunday. That was a good, bal­anced mellow.

I’m a weird mix now between jazzed and tired. That’s part of the up-​​cycle. You find rea­sons, excuses, to be wired, excited, intense. But the base fact is sim­ply that you are wired, excited, intense. There’s just no rea­son for it. It sim­ply is.

Worst part is that the upswings are also dis­in­hibit­ing. Like being a bit drunk, but with­out the alco­hol. You’re just a lit­tle too will­ing to do things that, ordi­nar­ily, you would never do. Or at least not usually.

Like be awake at 4 AM on a Saturday, writ­ing about your own per­sonal mad­ness in a pub­lic forum. Sigh.

Yup, 25 mg isn’t quite enough, I think. But it beats the liv­ing shit out of where I was two weeks ago.


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