It was Friday night; now it’s Saturday morning. 0400.
It’s still working, but it’s lost some of its efficacy (obviously, or I’d be asleep now). The manic uptick is a bit harder than it was, say, five days ago.
I hope this is just a bit of tolerance. I’ll be up to 50 mg next week, and maybe that’ll offer a better regulator. For now, where I am isn’t unworkable, just … difficult. Like my regular cyclothymic phases. Not quite manic, not quite BP I, but still not what I consider optimal. Not at all where I was, say, last Sunday. That was a good, balanced mellow.
I’m a weird mix now between jazzed and tired. That’s part of the up-cycle. You find reasons, excuses, to be wired, excited, intense. But the base fact is simply that you are wired, excited, intense. There’s just no reason for it. It simply is.
Worst part is that the upswings are also disinhibiting. Like being a bit drunk, but without the alcohol. You’re just a little too willing to do things that, ordinarily, you would never do. Or at least not usually.
Like be awake at 4 AM on a Saturday, writing about your own personal madness in a public forum. Sigh.
Yup, 25 mg isn’t quite enough, I think. But it beats the living shit out of where I was two weeks ago.
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