In a bold step for­ward for decreased gov­ern­ment reg­u­la­tion of gov­ern­ment, Congress was able to declare vic­tory over the vast major­ity of the American elec­torate Tuesday. “This is an impor­tant day for all leg­is­la­tors,” stated Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-​​OH). “For years we’ve been ham­pered by the demands of unrea­son­able tax­pay­ers, but with this lat­est vote, I think we’ve been able to estab­lish once and for all who’s really in charge here.” Rep. Boehner then paused to weep.

I’m deeply sat­is­fied with this out­come,” slurred Senate minor­ity leader Mitch McConnell (R-​​KY). “In our vote to extend the debt ceil­ing and cut spend­ing, we’ve been able to pro­tect our real inter­ests, and for the first time since I was elected, I know we don’t have to fear being voted out of office as a result.” Senator McConnell was refer­ring to the refusal of the GOP to close the so-​​called Bush tax breaks on the wealth­i­est 10% of Americans, despite the sup­port of an esti­mated 70% of the American pub­lic for doing so.

We’ll just keep on get­ting re-​​elected now, since money is speech and pro­tected,” he added. “Money talks, and the bull­shit walks, so we don’t have to lis­ten to any of y’all’s bull­shit any more.”

Asked whether he was con­cerned about the effect that cut­ting ben­e­fit pro­grams — the so-​​called “enti­tle­ments” of Social Security, Medicare, and such pro­grams as unem­ploy­ment assis­tance or food stamps — might have on the American peo­ple, McConnell said, “What American peo­ple? Oh, you mean the wage slaves and can­non fod­der? No, I don’t lose any sleep over them at all.”

Boehner echoed McConnell’s lack of sen­ti­ment. “If the American peo­ple really mat­tered to any of us in the first place, do you think we’d have put up such a fight over Obamacare while we have free health­care for life? Do you imag­ine that there’d be a nine-​​percent unem­ploy­ment rate while we take home six-​​figure salaries, work three days a week, and have month-​​long recesses? No, we never really gave a shit about you, and now, we don’t even have to pre­tend any more.”

For many Republicans, the great­est moment of the bud­get stand­off occurred when Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-​​AZ) arrived on the floor of the House in time to cast her vote in favor of the GOP-​​backed plan. Her show of sup­port for the mea­sure opened the way for other House Democrats to cast their votes in sup­port as well.

Giffords was crit­i­cally injured in January when gun­man Jared Loughner shot her in the head while at a meet­ing with sup­port­ers in Tucson.

Asked whether she was con­scious of any trace of irony in cast­ing her vote after receiv­ing mil­lions of dol­lars in med­ical care with the tax­pay­ers foot­ing the bill — while hun­dreds of thou­sands of those same Americans would have been unable to afford the health­care she was given, and thus sur­vive sim­i­lar injuries, had they received them — Giffords refused to comment.

See?” Boehner said. “All it really takes to get any­one to vote for a GOP plan is trau­matic brain injury.”

He then went out back to light a vic­tory cig­a­rette. “Someday I’ll be get­ting a lung trans­plant, and you ass­holes will be pay­ing for it,” he said. “And there isn’t a god­damned thing any­one can do about it. Enjoy your ramen soup and Fox tele­vi­sion broad­casts. Fuck y’all.”

President Obama, who is expected to sign the bill into law once it passes the Senate — in a final, crush­ing blow to the lib­er­als and mod­er­ates who led him to vic­tory in 2008 — could not be reached for comment.


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