In a bold step forward for decreased government regulation of government, Congress was able to declare victory over the vast majority of the American electorate Tuesday. “This is an important day for all legislators,” stated Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “For years we’ve been hampered by the demands of unreasonable taxpayers, but with this latest vote, I think we’ve been able to establish once and for all who’s really in charge here.” Rep. Boehner then paused to weep.
“I’m deeply satisfied with this outcome,” slurred Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “In our vote to extend the debt ceiling and cut spending, we’ve been able to protect our real interests, and for the first time since I was elected, I know we don’t have to fear being voted out of office as a result.” Senator McConnell was referring to the refusal of the GOP to close the so-called Bush tax breaks on the wealthiest 10% of Americans, despite the support of an estimated 70% of the American public for doing so.
“We’ll just keep on getting re-elected now, since money is speech and protected,” he added. “Money talks, and the bullshit walks, so we don’t have to listen to any of y’all’s bullshit any more.”
Asked whether he was concerned about the effect that cutting benefit programs — the so-called “entitlements” of Social Security, Medicare, and such programs as unemployment assistance or food stamps — might have on the American people, McConnell said, “What American people? Oh, you mean the wage slaves and cannon fodder? No, I don’t lose any sleep over them at all.”
Boehner echoed McConnell’s lack of sentiment. “If the American people really mattered to any of us in the first place, do you think we’d have put up such a fight over Obamacare while we have free healthcare for life? Do you imagine that there’d be a nine-percent unemployment rate while we take home six-figure salaries, work three days a week, and have month-long recesses? No, we never really gave a shit about you, and now, we don’t even have to pretend any more.”
For many Republicans, the greatest moment of the budget standoff occurred when Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) arrived on the floor of the House in time to cast her vote in favor of the GOP-backed plan. Her show of support for the measure opened the way for other House Democrats to cast their votes in support as well.
Giffords was critically injured in January when gunman Jared Loughner shot her in the head while at a meeting with supporters in Tucson.
Asked whether she was conscious of any trace of irony in casting her vote after receiving millions of dollars in medical care with the taxpayers footing the bill — while hundreds of thousands of those same Americans would have been unable to afford the healthcare she was given, and thus survive similar injuries, had they received them — Giffords refused to comment.
“See?” Boehner said. “All it really takes to get anyone to vote for a GOP plan is traumatic brain injury.”
He then went out back to light a victory cigarette. “Someday I’ll be getting a lung transplant, and you assholes will be paying for it,” he said. “And there isn’t a goddamned thing anyone can do about it. Enjoy your ramen soup and Fox television broadcasts. Fuck y’all.”
President Obama, who is expected to sign the bill into law once it passes the Senate — in a final, crushing blow to the liberals and moderates who led him to victory in 2008 — could not be reached for comment.