Archive for the ‘Sickness’ Category

Life in Cock’s head

Or mine. I think the meds are finally kick­ing in. I wrote this in about 2004. The most eerily pre­scient part was when I said this: “At the edge, the very edge of his mind, a stir, almost like foot­steps out­side a spot­light. Something off­stage, in the dark, but not able to move to where it would be visible.” […]

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Lamotrigine followup

It was Friday night; now it’s Saturday morn­ing. 0400. It’s still work­ing, but it’s lost some of its effi­cacy (obvi­ously, or I’d be asleep now). The manic uptick is a bit harder than it was, say, five days ago. I hope this is just a bit of tol­er­ance. I’ll be up to 50 mg next week, and maybe that’ll offer […]

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Lamotrigine

Dx. came back more or less how I sus­pected it would: Bipolar I. I think it’s mostly fugue; the rest of the time I think I’m cyclothymic rather than fully BP. Rapid cycling too, just to make it a lit­tle more fun. Cyclothymia is still one of those things that’s being stud­ied and under­stood fur­ther; the trans­la­tion, prac­ti­cally, is, we […]

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Bookend

He did this in the 90s. Just a bit of Bowie to coun­ter­bal­ance the Elfman. ==== Baby Grace is the vic­tim; she was four­teen years of age. And the wheels are turn­ing, turn­ing, for the fin­ger points at me. But I have not been to Oxford Town. No I have not been to Oxford Town. Toll the bell; pay […]

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Please tell me I have no…

…I have no, I don’t have to… Calendar comes up clear for the day. Today. Starting 5 hours from now, and me with no sleep, and know­ing I won’t get any sack time before then.* Good, so I can coast behind the mon­i­tors. Just shift, paste, com­pose. Wave hi, howyadoin. Fuck, fuck me, I am so tired. Not phys­i­cally. ==== * Why […]

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Reflections of silver

I’ve been a Bowie fan for a while. It began when a friend intro­duced me to Labyrinth in the late 80s, and it’s never really ended; though lately it’s come to some­thing like fruition. I think Bowie was hard for heroin. Well, duh, it was the 70s, he did drugs; it is gen­er­ally pre­sumed that he did coke. But […]

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All the nightmares came today. And it looks as though they’re here to stay.

Insanity”, by Oingo Boingo. == I’m so sorry. Please for­give me. Who do I pray to to straighten out this prob­lem? Straighten out this prob­lem, straighten out my mind, straighten out this crooked tongue? My mind has wan­dered from the strait and nar­row; my mind has wan­dered from the flock, you see. My mind has wandered; […]

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This is a problem.

I think I’m in pretty seri­ous trou­ble. Used to be that I knew the depths of the sad­ness, the depres­sion. But lately, it’s been coun­tered by up phases. I don’t know how to describe that. Best anal­ogy is when you’ve had too much caf­feine, I guess. They swing back and forth. In a stan­dard cal­en­dar month I feel about right […]

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.45

This is not a threat, nor a warn­ing, nor any­thing else. (I will reit­er­ate it at the end of the post.) That said, and sure to be ignored any­way, here it is. There are two pud­dles of cat puke in my house, one on the stair­way (per­fectly arranged to be hit in the mid­dle of the night), the […]

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