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Archive for the ‘Snarks’ Category

iTunes pricing: not the news

06 Jan

While the new three-​​level pric­ing on iTunes is mar­gin­ally inter­est­ing, of much greater impor­tance is that iTunes is ter­mi­nat­ing DRM.

You can upgrade all the songs in your library pur­chased from them to DRM-​​free ver­sions à la iTunes Plus.1 About time, too. DRM is for teh shiteheads.

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1. At 94 items to upgrade (sin­gles and albums), my total con­ver­sion cost is about $140. Yikes!

 
2 Comments

Posted in Huh., Snarks

 

Who says Islam is sexist?

08 Oct

How can it be when they’re using women as sui­cide bombers?

I sup­pose the burqas and veils make the bombs eas­ier to hide.

And what do their 72 vir­gins look like? Late-​​teen pre­ma­ture ejaculators?

 
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Posted in Snarks

 

That Explains the Rictus

07 Sep

MSNBC passes along the “news” that Laura Bush will go under the knife Saturday. Tragically it’s not an ass­holec­tomy, so we’re still gonna be stuck with George; no, she’s going to have work done on some pinched nerves in her neck.

That might go a long way toward explain­ing the bizarre lack of abil­ity her face seems to have; specif­i­cally, she always seems to smile all the time, but she never smiles with her eyes, and it’s really damn creepy.1 Used to be peo­ple made fun of Hillary Clinton for her pantsuit, and after a while she changed into other things. But appar­ently Laura Bush is trag­i­cally unable to change,2 afflicted with what­ever mal­ady drove poor old Jack Napier over the edge.

Check under the fold for pho­to­graphic evi­dence of the truth of my asser­tions. Note how, from image to image, there’s a sort of empti­ness around the eyes best described by Robert Shaw:

Lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eye. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.

Oh wait, that’s from Jaws, isn’t it?

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in General Foolishness, Snarks

 

Colonoscopy Completed, Unsuccessful

20 Jul

Despite hours of con­certed effort by sev­eral proc­tol­o­gists, President Bush’s colonoscopy proved unsuccessful.

We were unable to locate the president’s head,” said Dr. Ken K. Coldfinger. “We have no idea where it might be now.”

However, Coldfinger noted that the pro­ce­dure was not a com­plete fail­ure. “At least we were able to remove the vice-president’s arm,” he said.

 
1 Comment

Posted in Snarks

 

Naked Brothers Band Having Sex With Their Preteen Lolita Phone Numbers Boys and Girls Naked Hentai!

15 Jun

Just fuck­ing with the inlink stats. Christ, I’m tired of get­ting hits from pervs look­ing for pre­teen porn just because I posted some­thing on NBB n+now fuck­ing months ago.

I get search hits for hen­tai, naked broth­ers band hav­ing sex, boys and girls hav­ing sex and other things even less savory. My one NBB post is con­sis­tently at the top of my vis­ited pages, and not because any­one wants to read about NBB; it’s from search hits, and not nice search hits.

Remember — your IP address, ISP, browser and even your computer’s oper­at­ing sys­tem are expos­able data. And that infor­ma­tion can be used to track you back to the com­puter you’re using right now to read this.

Anyone who came here from a Google search is a fuckin’ perv. Look — it’s not here. Go away.

HAMSTERS!*

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* Made you look. Now fuck off.

 
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Posted in Snarks

 

Supreme Court: US Government in Violation of Antitrust Laws

28 Feb

WASHINGTON — In a land­mark rul­ing today, the Supreme Court found 9–0 that the United States fed­eral gov­ern­ment was in vio­la­tion of antitrust laws and ordered it bro­ken up immediately.

Writing for the major­ity, Antonin Scalia had this to say. His words are offered with­out fur­ther comment.

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The def­i­n­i­tion of a monop­oly is well-​​established and has been noted by prece­dent in this and other courts. While it has been argued — elo­quently — that the United States fed­eral gov­ern­ment is an elected body which has been cho­sen by the peo­ple, we find to the con­trary in sev­eral impor­tant respects.

To begin, the insti­tu­tion of the Electoral College effec­tively bars indi­vid­u­als from directly choos­ing a chief exec­u­tive. Furthermore, this exec­u­tive is insu­lated from con­se­quences of his or her own actions when fur­ther elected rep­re­sen­ta­tives of the peo­ple refuse to act on the inter­ests of those whom they puta­tively rep­re­sent. Thus we find that the claims of rep­re­sen­ta­tive gov­ern­ment by the United States fed­eral body are spurious.

Furthermore, as has been argued per­sua­sively, monied inter­ests have become the dom­i­nant fac­tor in United States fed­eral deci­sions, most notably in the last half decade, but on an increas­ing level for more than fifty years. This puts the government’s actions out­side pure claims of rep­re­sen­ta­tion; in truth it seems that more than half the time the United States fed­eral gov­ern­ment is act­ing solely in the inter­ests of agen­cies in pos­ses­sion of eight and more fig­ures in money assets.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in Fiction, Snarks

 

Prayin’ In the Land Down Unda

20 Feb

TOAD SUCK, AR — Cloyd Jackson is just like any other Arkansan who’s felt the hand of God: He’s a man with a lit­eral — and lit­er­al­ist — mission.

Founder and First Pope of the Righteous Church of Fosterology, Jackson appears to be a more or less unas­sum­ing man liv­ing a mod­est life just beyond his means in a twelve-​​foot Airstream sin­glewide that lost its new house smell some­time between the years 1947 and 2003, dur­ing which time some­thing on the order of fifty var­i­ous lit­ters of hounds inhab­ited, defe­cated and uri­nated in the con­fined space with him. But behind his five teeth and freshly-​​deloused beard there twin­kles an eye nearly as bright as a Federline dissertation.

Preaching what he calls the Gospel of Paul, Jackson’s the­ol­ogy is muddy but con­sis­tent. He claims the soul is like an Aboriginal boomerang, cast from the hand of the Almighty (or pos­si­bly by His rep­re­sen­ta­tive on Earth, Paul Hogan), intended even­tu­ally to return to Heaven unless met with temp­ta­tion — what Jackson calls “The kan­ga­roo head of Satan”.

In weekly ser­vices he shakes a rain­stick — why, no one can say for cer­tain — and bran­dishes a hand-​​made PVC didgeri­doo. During his meet­ings — which have had an all-​​time record atten­dance of one other than him­self — he becomes strik­ingly artic­u­late, per­haps even pos­sessed. “I am the Bullroarer of Him Who sits on high and Looks Down on the World, lo, even as unto one who sit­teth upon the Rock of Ayers, which is called Ayers Rock!” he warned recently. And, “Do not give in to the temp­ta­tion to fol­low the Doctrines of the Bruces, for lo they are most sin­ful and will clasp ye down into damna­tion, yea, even as like unto the Saltie doth clasp his prey into himself.”

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Chaos Reigns as Dire Predictions All Prove True

09 Nov

WASHINGTON — President George Bush urged the nation to calm today in the wake of the com­plete chaos and social break­down which took place a mere two days after the Democratic takeover of congress.

I want to assure the American peo­ple that their lead­er­ship is still intact, and that we’re already tak­ing mea­sures to quell the riot­ing that has swept across the nation.”

It began with an imme­di­ate 110% increase in income, sales and fed­eral taxes. Millions of Americans were hor­ri­fied to learn that their pay­checks had been retroac­tively taxed back to 1994, the last year when the Democrats had held power in Washington, and that they col­lec­tively owed 428 ska­jil­lion mil­lion bil­lion hillion dollars.

Who cares if it’s a made-​​up num­ber?” Nancy Pelosi said. “I’m a woman with power, and I say pay up, peons!”

Ted Kennedy (D-​​MA) was seen div­ing, Scrooge McDuck-​​style, into a vault of money the size of the Astrodome — the key dif­fer­ence being that McDuck, a beloved Disney icon, was never depicted as swim­ming drunk and nude through his money, nor with a dozen equally nude and debauched young women. “Money!” Kennedy snorted in glee, back­stroking through an eddy of Franklins. “Money money money! We tax! We spend! You earn it but we keep it!

Suck it up, America!” he cried, then dived deep into the flood of freshly-​​stolen tax­pay­ers’ currency.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in Snarks

 

Bush: We Must Fight the Terror Birds There, to Avoid Fighting Them Here

26 Oct

WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush said today that he was “gravely con­cerned” about intel­li­gence reports sug­gest­ing that South America was pro­vid­ing sanc­tu­ary to terrorism.

I was watch­ing that crazy beasts show on Discovery and they talked about these ter­ror birds,” Bush said. “Did you know they eat horses? Whoo boy, I wouldn’t want to have to face one of them. But my job as President is to make sure no one has to.”

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced plans to imme­di­ately rede­ploy US armed forces to sev­eral loca­tions in South America. “We will teach them the true nature of free­dom,” he said, “by killing as many of them as we pos­si­bly can.”

Mr. Rumsfeld’s micro­phone then appar­ently mal­func­tioned, as the sound cut out and the rest of his com­ments were inaudible.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in Snarks

 

Create Your Own Slogan!

17 Oct

Pam @ House Blend passes on a lovely story about courts. A branch of the Sea Scouts — Boy Scouts with water wings, it seems — in California has been denied use of pub­lic berthing facil­i­ties because of the BSA’s openly dis­crim­i­na­tory stance against gays and atheists.

The case was tossed out of court; appar­ently big­otry is still offen­sive to some judges.

That’s not my point. My point is: What is the slo­gan for the Sea Scouts?

Feel free to post some ideas of your own; here’s mine:

The Sea Scouts: Turning Boys to Seamen.

 
1 Comment

Posted in Snarks

 

Safer?

12 Oct

Small plane crashes into NYC building.

Hey, Mr. “tough on ter­ror” Republican: How, exactly, have we become safer from air­borne attack since 11 September 2001?

 
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Posted in Burps, Snarks

 

Halfstart

10 Oct

Denny Hastert is now say­ing that he’ll fire any­one involved in the page scan­dal cover-​​up.

Is he still eli­gi­ble for ben­e­fits if he fires himself?

 
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Posted in Burps, Snarks