MSNBC passes along the “news” that Laura Bush will go under the knife Saturday. Tragically it’s not an assholectomy, so we’re still gonna be stuck with George; no, she’s going to have work done on some pinched nerves in her neck.
That might go a long way toward explaining the bizarre lack of ability her face seems to have; specifically, she always seems to smile all the time, but she never smiles with her eyes, and it’s really damn creepy.1 Used to be people made fun of Hillary Clinton for her pantsuit, and after a while she changed into other things. But apparently Laura Bush is tragically unable to change,2 afflicted with whatever malady drove poor old Jack Napier over the edge.
Check under the fold for photographic evidence of the truth of my assertions. Note how, from image to image, there’s a sort of emptiness around the eyes best described by Robert Shaw:
Lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eye. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.
Oh wait, that’s from Jaws, isn’t it?
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Despite hours of concerted effort by several proctologists, President Bush’s colonoscopy proved unsuccessful.
“We were unable to locate the president’s head,” said Dr. Ken K. Coldfinger. “We have no idea where it might be now.”
However, Coldfinger noted that the procedure was not a complete failure. “At least we were able to remove the vice-president’s arm,” he said.
Just fucking with the inlink stats. Christ, I’m tired of getting hits from pervs looking for preteen porn just because I posted something on NBB n+now fucking months ago.
I get search hits for hentai, naked brothers band having sex, boys and girls having sex and other things even less savory. My one NBB post is consistently at the top of my visited pages, and not because anyone wants to read about NBB; it’s from search hits, and not nice search hits.
Remember — your IP address, ISP, browser and even your computer’s operating system are exposable data. And that information can be used to track you back to the computer you’re using right now to read this.
Anyone who came here from a Google search is a fuckin’ perv. Look — it’s not here. Go away.
HAMSTERS!*
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* Made you look. Now fuck off.
WASHINGTON — In a landmark ruling today, the Supreme Court found 9-0 that the United States federal government was in violation of antitrust laws and ordered it broken up immediately.
Writing for the majority, Antonin Scalia had this to say. His words are offered without further comment.
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The definition of a monopoly is well-established and has been noted by precedent in this and other courts. While it has been argued — eloquently — that the United States federal government is an elected body which has been chosen by the people, we find to the contrary in several important respects.
To begin, the institution of the Electoral College effectively bars individuals from directly choosing a chief executive. Furthermore, this executive is insulated from consequences of his or her own actions when further elected representatives of the people refuse to act on the interests of those whom they putatively represent. Thus we find that the claims of representative government by the United States federal body are spurious.
Furthermore, as has been argued persuasively, monied interests have become the dominant factor in United States federal decisions, most notably in the last half decade, but on an increasing level for more than fifty years. This puts the government’s actions outside pure claims of representation; in truth it seems that more than half the time the United States federal government is acting solely in the interests of agencies in possession of eight and more figures in money assets.
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TOAD SUCK, AR — Cloyd Jackson is just like any other Arkansan who’s felt the hand of God: He’s a man with a literal — and literalist — mission.
Founder and First Pope of the Righteous Church of Fosterology, Jackson appears to be a more or less unassuming man living a modest life just beyond his means in a twelve-foot Airstream singlewide that lost its new house smell sometime between the years 1947 and 2003, during which time something on the order of fifty various litters of hounds inhabited, defecated and urinated in the confined space with him. But behind his five teeth and freshly-deloused beard there twinkles an eye nearly as bright as a Federline dissertation.
Preaching what he calls the Gospel of Paul, Jackson’s theology is muddy but consistent. He claims the soul is like an Aboriginal boomerang, cast from the hand of the Almighty (or possibly by His representative on Earth, Paul Hogan), intended eventually to return to Heaven unless met with temptation — what Jackson calls “The kangaroo head of Satan”.
In weekly services he shakes a rainstick — why, no one can say for certain — and brandishes a hand-made PVC didgeridoo. During his meetings — which have had an all-time record attendance of one other than himself — he becomes strikingly articulate, perhaps even possessed. “I am the Bullroarer of Him Who sits on high and Looks Down on the World, lo, even as unto one who sitteth upon the Rock of Ayers, which is called Ayers Rock!” he warned recently. And, “Do not give in to the temptation to follow the Doctrines of the Bruces, for lo they are most sinful and will clasp ye down into damnation, yea, even as like unto the Saltie doth clasp his prey into himself.”
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WASHINGTON — President George Bush urged the nation to calm today in the wake of the complete chaos and social breakdown which took place a mere two days after the Democratic takeover of congress.
“I want to assure the American people that their leadership is still intact, and that we’re already taking measures to quell the rioting that has swept across the nation.”
It began with an immediate 110% increase in income, sales and federal taxes. Millions of Americans were horrified to learn that their paychecks had been retroactively taxed back to 1994, the last year when the Democrats had held power in Washington, and that they collectively owed 428 skajillion million billion hillion dollars.
“Who cares if it’s a made-up number?” Nancy Pelosi said. “I’m a woman with power, and I say pay up, peons!”
Ted Kennedy (D-MA) was seen diving, Scrooge McDuck-style, into a vault of money the size of the Astrodome — the key difference being that McDuck, a beloved Disney icon, was never depicted as swimming drunk and nude through his money, nor with a dozen equally nude and debauched young women. “Money!” Kennedy snorted in glee, backstroking through an eddy of Franklins. “Money money money! We tax! We spend! You earn it but we keep it!
“Suck it up, America!” he cried, then dived deep into the flood of freshly-stolen taxpayers’ currency.
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WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush said today that he was “gravely concerned” about intelligence reports suggesting that South America was providing sanctuary to terrorism.
“I was watching that crazy beasts show on Discovery and they talked about these terror birds,” Bush said. “Did you know they eat horses? Whoo boy, I wouldn’t want to have to face one of them. But my job as President is to make sure no one has to.”
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced plans to immediately redeploy US armed forces to several locations in South America. “We will teach them the true nature of freedom,” he said, “by killing as many of them as we possibly can.”
Mr. Rumsfeld’s microphone then apparently malfunctioned, as the sound cut out and the rest of his comments were inaudible.
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Pam @ House Blend passes on a lovely story about courts. A branch of the Sea Scouts — Boy Scouts with water wings, it seems — in California has been denied use of public berthing facilities because of the BSA’s openly discriminatory stance against gays and atheists.
The case was tossed out of court; apparently bigotry is still offensive to some judges.
That’s not my point. My point is: What is the slogan for the Sea Scouts?
Feel free to post some ideas of your own; here’s mine:
The Sea Scouts: Turning Boys to Seamen.
Small plane crashes into NYC building.
Hey, Mr. “tough on terror” Republican: How, exactly, have we become safer from airborne attack since 11 September 2001?
Denny Hastert is now saying that he’ll fire anyone involved in the page scandal cover-up.
Is he still eligible for benefits if he fires himself?
The latest on the US’s mismanagement in Iraq is that its new police training facility is a “disaster”.
The Baghdad Police College, hailed as crucial to U.S. efforts to prepare Iraqis to take control of the country’s security, was so poorly constructed that feces and urine rained from the ceilings in student barracks. Floors heaved inches off the ground and cracked apart. Water dripped so profusely in one room that it was dubbed “the rain forest.”
A seventy-five-million dollar disastrous police academy.
That’s what they get for hiring this guy:
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WASHINGTON — Facing an ongoing set of failures on domestic and foreign fronts, the Congress of the United States has filed for Chapter 11 protection under the Moral Bankruptcy Codes.
“Between the clear selling-out we did a few years ago to get votes from the right-wing fundamentalist religious loonies and the way we’ve sold conservatism, America and the values our great nation was founded upon for a mess of pottage, we’re basically out of bucks to pass,” said Bill Frist (R - MD) on Friday.
“Forget about Iraq, Afghanistan, smallpox or even the US-Mexico border,” Frist said. “Basically our shit hasn’t been in one coil for years.”
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